Hello! Lovely to see you! Here you will find random posts about living a creative life in country Australia. I am an illustrator. I create, take photos, faff, collect, teach. Watercolour, collage, colour, cheese, travel and dreaming are my faves. And Turkish delight. And cushions. And gardening. And op-shops...

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

MELANCHOLIA

Tillie, 2013


 Melancholia

I have been thinking.Mulling something over.And it occurs to me,that maybe I have not always been absolutely truthful in my little bloggy posts.Okay,maybe not untruthful,but not entirely authentic.I have carefully tended to the colour and light,and weeded out,edited,the darker tones.
You see,as well as loving colour, and whimsy and beautiful little moments...I also see things more darkly.

I have as part of my loyal posse, a companion that has been with me for as long as I can remember.It is the very cliched creative persons regalia of depression and melancholia.Nothing new there.Nothing original.

It is part of who I am, part of my story,and I have cried rivers of tears,had more counselling than I care to admit,and been so low so many times,that I have lost count.I have flirted with the darkest of thoughts and have spent large portions of my life feeling hopeless and inept,worthless and futile,empty and a failure.  

It shapes me,yes, but these days,it does not define me.I have lows,given,but also great ability to embrace the highs,and I now know that my sensitivity is not just a curse but a blessing too.I feel lucky to feel great exhilaration and joy in little things,and appreciate well all the wonderful things in my life.

I used to only suffer from depression,now I just try to ride it out,and accept it.I still ache with it at times,and feel shitty.But...I know,it is what it is.It will pass.

And it means too,that I have great empathy,should have stocks in Kleenex,wear my pyjamas probably a little too much,love storms and rainy days,could easily just lose contact with the outside world and just cocoon in my home painting for days on end,am prone to being way too self critical,compare myself to others(negatively usually)when I probably should not,procrastinate and have fear of lots of things...but...

I also love flowers and gardens, cheese,dreaming and sleeping,stripy stockings,polka dots,BBC murder mysteries,quirky English comedies,cactus,Autumn,going to the movies,mountains,stationary shops,travelling,big blue skies,coffee,love hearts...the giggles of my kids,their warm hugs and snuggles,my crazy pets,singing badly,my husbands humour(amongst other things)...and a zillion other fabulously fabbo things.Life is still good.

So...yes,there is a lot of light in my life too.As well as the dark bits.And so,I must reveal just as I love colour,I am also partial to a bit of moody black and white. 

So... after musing upon this,I am going to start opening up the gates a little (so to speak)and blog about things a bit wider in scope.Even if it means letting some of those little gremlins out to play...and including a little grit and rough edges.I think you can handle it,and me too.

 driving home

emergent 

 south coast silhouette

 mystery bay

 self portrait

 artichoke

 wired

 blossom bottle

 pear

 rose

afternoon delight