MELANCHOLIA

Tillie, 2013

 Melancholia

I have been thinking. Mulling something over. And it occurs to me that maybe I have not always been absolutely truthful in my little bloggy posts. Okay, maybe not untruthful, but not entirely authentic. I have carefully tended to the colour and light and weeded out and edited the darker tones.

You see,as well as loving colour, and whimsy and beautiful little moments... I also see things more darkly.

I have as part of my loyal posse,  a few constant companions, ones that that have been with me for as long as I can remember. They are the very cliched creative persons regalia of - depression, melancholia, and anxiety.
Nothing new there, nor original!

It is part of who I am, part of my story, and I have cried rivers of tears, had more counselling than I care to admit and have been so low so many times that I have lost count. I have flirted with the darkest of thoughts and have spent large portions of my life feeling hopeless and inept, worthless and futile, empty and a failure.  

It shapes me, yes. But these days, it does not define me. I have lows but also great ability to embrace the highs and I now know that my sensitivity is not just a curse but a blessing too. I feel lucky to feel great exhilaration and joy in little things and appreciate well all the wonderful things in my life.

I used to only suffer from depression now I just try to ride it out and accept it. I still ache with it at times, and feel shitty. But... I know it is what it is. It will pass. I don't suffer with it, I live with it.

And it means too that I have great empathy. 

I should also should have stocks in Kleenex, wear my pyjamas probably a little too much, love storms and rainy days, could easily just lose contact with the outside world and just cocoon in my home painting for days on end.

I am prone to being way too self critical, never feeling good enough, compare myself to others(negatively usually)when I probably should not, overthinnk things, over analyse, overcomplicate, procrastinate terribly and have fear of lots of things... but...

I also love flowers and gardens, cheese, dreaming and sleeping, watercolor and art supplies, collecting, creating, snail mail, stripy stockings, polka dots, BBC murder mysteries, quirky English comedies, cactus, breadtags, Autumn, going to the movies, mountains, stationary, Op shops, travelling, big blue skies, coffee, love hearts... the giggles of my kids, their warm hugs and snuggles, my crazy pets, singing badly, my husbands humour(amongst other things)...and a zillion other fabulously fabbo things. Life is still good!

So... yes there is a lot of light in my life. As well as the dark bits. And so I must reveal just as I love colour, I am also partial to a bit of moody black and white. It adds the grit and texture, and makes life interesting. Like these shots...

 driving home

emergent 

 south coast silhouette

 mystery bay

 self portrait

 artichoke

 wired

 blossom bottle

 pear

 rose

afternoon delight