I AM A WINNER

I AM A WINNER!!!

Those words are alien to me... I am a winner. I have to keep saying it. It still sounds like a different language. Foreign. With all the inspirational quotes, memes and photos that seem to flood my feed, hang in homeware shops, appear on cushions and pillows, on tea towels, drink bottles and anything that can be printed on basically... it still is a bit of a shock to actually register the possibility that...yes, I am a winner. I am okay, I am valid, I am remarkable. This is NUTS.

But there it is in black and white. On a trophy. There it was in the smiles and whoops and hugs and grins from my husband, two of my dear friends, from new friends and acquaintances, from complete strangers. There it was as I woke up the next morning. This warm funny feeling in my belly, that snaked its way up into my face and my brain....this weird feeling of OHMYGAWD I WON.

So what did I win, why am I a winner? And why has it taken me so damn long to write anything about it?

Firstly...it has taken this long to process, to recalibrate, to get back from my 2 month long holidays with my family. To focus on me again, and not just all of us. It has taken this long to draw up goals and dreams for this year, to look back at the last 12 months and suck out of it all the good ready to throw it all back into a new mix, a new recipe. I never said I was fast. I like to mull things over... when I am not being spontaneous.

So...that aside...THE WIN. 

Well, many of you will know already, that I won my category of Home and Wellbeing in the KIDSPOT #voicesof2015  Competition  for online Australian Creatives.

From a pool of over 3500 nominations, whittled down to 800, then whittled down by judges to the top 100....then further whittled down by more judging into the top 3 in 3 different categories... and I made it into the top3. 

Astounding in itself, a massive big affirmation, right there. No denying it. I kept thinking I had fluked it. I kept thinking the judges would realise they had made a mistake. But then logically, some part of me was skipping and jumping and cartwheeling with pure joy, happy and not caring how it happened, just happy.

Cue to November 28, Sydney, and me and my hubby... and 2 of the most gorgeous friends a girl could have, who had flown from Queensland to share the night and make merry, to laugh, to shop, to eat, to drink... all of us dressing up, putting on the Glad rags and face paint, and heading to Luna Park to go to the Award Ceremony. 

Red carpet, waiters, cameras, lots of beautiful people all shiny and yummy, flowers and deliciousness. Awkward and exciting moments of meeting people IRL for the first time after messaging and connecting online for months. Nervous laughter, giggles and introductions, admiration and thrill. My brain and head was bobbing about like the red balloon I had carried around with me that day through the CBD. I had forgotten to be nervous. It was all so magical and surreal, that I was just enjoying the ride.

So a bit later, when they announced the Alumni winner, Lila Wolfe, a friend and compradre... I was so happy for her, so thrilled I just wanted to hug her... and I really just forgot that they were announcing winners... and only made it back to my crew just in time when my name was announced as the winner for my category. I heard whooping and cheers and claps and my stomach flew about like a pinwheel, my legs felt shaky and out of body. And that feeling of weirdness never left.

Is this the bit where I admit that I have struggled with feelings of low self esteem and self worth all my life? Is this the bit I admit that I have put on a stack of weight, have become obese, and my body and my face embarrass me so much... and just having to meet people in real life and let them see what I look like was a big deal for me? Is this the bit where I get all deep and meaningful and say...but it is okay... I am all fixed now? Because I won?

I guess so. But the truth is, those words... I am a winner...really ARE powerful. Does that sound shallow?

They have meant I have had to refocus and take note of what the universe is telling me. It means that I have the opportunity to hold on tight to this feeling and let it carry me, I don't know where, I really don't. I am not fixed true, but I was not really broken. I just have complexities and layers. And I was already a winner really. I have a great life, as much as there is that is nutty and imperfect about it. I have issues, and black spots, and dark holes, and sadness and grief, I have more faults and issues than I care to mention, but they keep my psychiatrist in good business.I'm not beige and boring, as much as there are times I would love nothing better, and wish it were so. But... I AM A WINNER. 

I am a winner because I am still here, at the computer even though I am a technophobe luddite with truly NO IDEA most of the time. I am a winner because I have  a few people like you, who read my blogs, look at my posts, comment, share and like what I do, buy my art, and say nice things. What a compliment! I am a winner because I have found the space, the friends and the courage (and fear) to help me stare down my quaking terrifying monstrous doubts and say... YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME...not all the time, not today. I am a winner because it says so in black and white, and a trophy. And that, my reader, is how and why I am proud to say...( at least today, right now...) 

I WON!I WON! I WON!!!!!!! HOW FLIPPIN AMAZING! HOW BIZARRE! HOW FREAKY!!!HOW TOTES AMAZEBALLS CRAZY CRAY CRAY! HOW TOTALLY BLOODY MENTAL!WOOOHOOOOOOO! 

I AM A WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!

view from our room... none too shabby!

Me... a rare sight.

Golden light at the awards

It's Lila! She is fab!

cute photos done by @printwithpixy Pixy photos! love them!

P.S.This is NOT a sponsored post, but I would like to take this opportunity to say a massive thank you to the Sponsors of the awards, Ford Australia and Garnier, for helping to promote and recognise the many wonderful creatives online. The opportunity to be part of this was truly awesome.Eve the Ford Everest will always be in my heart x I want to say big kisses and hugs to KIDSPOT and the judges, especially Pip Lincolne, who put up with ridiculous emails from me with silly questions, worries, and technical issues, and steered me through with good grace and made the process so much easier than it would otherwise have been. I want to say THANK YOU to my Instagram, Facebook and Blog friends, who with every like and comment have helped me to keep walking on this path...even when I have felt like why am I bothering... and have made me smile and laugh so much.I NEED to thank my Rainbow Blog posse, who are truly the most ridiculously lovely and supportive and beautiful women that I am so privileged and honoured to know. If it was not for them x And of course, my family who put up with long times of absent mother and wife, as I disappeared into my studio. And thank you to the goddess of cheese, for you are my salvation.