Procrastinating Perfectionist - (the blogpost I wrote a long time ago, but was not happy with so never finished)

Procrastinating Perfectionist - 
(the blogpost I wrote a long time ago, but was not happy with so never finished)

playing with faces, tempura 2018

I suffer from a curse. It is the curse of having high expectations of myself, but also being quite lazy. Sort of. 

It is the curse of wanting to do really well, striving to do well, but being so worried that I will not do well, that I put off doing what it is I need to do. Confused? me too! However, I am VERY good at finding all sorts of reasons and excuses to not do what I need to do. Should do. Would do. Could do. Maybe!

raindrops

Then again, I am always looking at a list of TO DO, that is quite large. With A family of 5, and 4 cats, a dog, and a green tree frog, a large house and a garden that is a work in progress, and lots of IDEAS and THINGS happening in my world, there are a zillion chores that should be done. These really are never ending. Needless to say, it is easy to get sidelined. It is more than easy to put off something difficult, challenging, scary, awkward.

play or procrastination? sketchbook 2018

So sometimes, too often, I do. My hunch? I am often worried about letting someone down, often me. I am really scared of failure.

I even learnt about this at Uni, when I studied for my teaching degree. Except they ( the experts on these things) called it "learned helplessness". 

faces 2018

Never trying means never failing, and never knowing that you were as completely shit as you might have suspected you could be. If you put off attempting, you put off failing. If you find reasons to not do something, then you never have to do it. You gradually learn to give up.

Now this makes sense, of course. Because most humans will do whatever it takes to avoid feeling shitty. So... we stay in our comfort zone. Not all people, but most. 

But when you also have really high expectations, and dream big, and KNOW with certainty that you MUST get out of that comfort zone, you MUST change, it means there is a constant tension between pushing yourself, and holding back. 

sketchbook playing 2018

And bloody social media does not help this whole 'Oh my gawd, everyone is doing more and achieving more than me' kind of feeling. And that 'I want to be like that too, how come I am not' feeling. It gets overwhelming, daunting, as well as exciting. So much advice, so much good stuff. So much editing!

So having lived with and been a perfect host for depression and anxiety most of my adult life, this is a great recipe for DOING NOTHING or on the flip side, DOING LOTS but hating/ disliking/ writing off lots of what you create, and constantly feeling that it is not good enough. The creatives' curse.

I am certainly aware that I am not unique at all, in fact I am a bit of a walking cliche. Totally predictable. I have thought about making up a club of some sort, The Procrastinators Of the World United. But I have never got around to it! My guess is there would be lots of members, if they actually took  up the commitment to sign up.

#overit 2018

But something happened the other day that was a bit of a revelation to me. In fact, I think I heard a light bulb go PING!It was an epiphany.

I sent out an email asking some people I admire some questions

(stay tuned as to why... you are in for a super uber treat.) 

These are successful, go-getting, amazing people. People I admire tremendously. And guess what? A whole lotta them wrote back STRAIGHT AWAY. As soon as they got my questions and message, they ticked it off their list and just DID IT. 

It was only later, ruminating on this as we spent hours in the car, that it hit me. Maybe that is why these particular people are such good achievers, so motivated, and so bloody successful. No procrastinating!!! Wow. They do not put things off, and let them accumulate like topsy. They get stuck in and DO. Bloody brilliant.

wake up and smell the flowers 2018

So... maybe this year I have to try this idea for myself. I really should. Could. Maybe. I will think about it some more. And let you know. Later. Probably!

PS: found this link a long time ago, about procrastinating bookmarked it for future reference (yes I know, too funny). Have a read! https://blog.redbubble.com/2014/06/5-reasons-we-procrastinate/?ref=home