THE GREEN MONSTER
I was diagnosed a few years ago with adult ADD, which was a shock. Especially as it was when I was battling with depression and anxiety already and I felt like I was free falling through my days.
Jealousy. Envy. Burning resentment. GAH! Bad bad bad bad emotions. Not healthy at all.
The green eyed monster is not a pretty beastie.
It's a struggle, people, it really is. There is a stupid, crazy, ridiculous thing that happens to me. No matter what I am achieving, or doing, it never seems good enough, it never seems ENOUGH in any way. Only a few times in my life have I ever felt good enough, completely sated with joy and pride.
I am not sure why this is.
I was diagnosed a few years ago with adult ADD, which was a shock. Especially as it was when I was battling with depression and anxiety already and I felt like I was free falling through my days.
Suddenly though lots of things about myself made more sense. I felt relief. Maybe this is why I never felt like I had NEVER achieved my potential? Maybe this is why I always felt a bit weird?
A few years on from then, things have settled down quite a bit, but I still have that gnawing feeling that everyone else is doing better than me, is more talented or clever than me, knows more, works harder, is swimming in success and money, opportunities and stellar careers. That I am not really very good at all actually. I have somehow tricked people into thinking I have some talent.
It sometimes gets almost crippling. I have to actively STOP the negative self talk. I have to consciously talk down that evil nasty green eyed monster, tell it to just FORK off RIGHT NOW.
I have to remember that a few years ago I would never have even attempted some of the things I am thinking of doing now. I would never have entertained the idea of doing things I do now. And yet.... and yet... I feel a bit of FAILURE TO LAUNCH. Why am I my own worst enemy?
Is this the thing that makes me motivated? Is it actually the thing that pushes me forwards? Do most people have these thoughts? Do I just think too much?
I guess like many things, it is my choice what to do with these emotions. I know that sometimes I have cringed and cried, and gone flat when I see others making huge strides, or doing great stuff. I am gutted by the fact they have done it better and more abley.
It is a physical reaction, truly. So if I cannot stop them, then what?
I can take these feelings and mix them round, swirl them in my head, and try to bury them. Or I can reach in deep and like a conjuror spin them into threads of power and motivation, a ball of energy to push me forwards. Or I can let them wash over me, swamp me, pull me into a bog of self pity and hopelessness.
There is no point denying they happen. Because they do, springing up like sharp needles. Nasty spikes of YOU ARE REALLY SHIT.
Yep, it's what do with them that matters.
What is that saying, it's not the problems that make us, its how we face them? Something like that... Whatever the saying is, I am sure there are a million memes that can give me consolation and inspiration, motivation and affirmation. If only I could face turning on Pinterest and seeing them all!
If I do turn on Pinterest, I will not just see memes though. No way! I am likely to start seeing art and illustrations, and ideas, and GREAT STUFF. Stuff that can be brilliant. Or stuff that will make the green eyed monster want to play. So rather than look for external validation, I need to find the belief in me, in myself.
Which brings me to what I probably need to do. I need to turn off the social media. I need to stop comparing. I need to play, just play. I need to make crappy art, shitty stuff, and just play. With no expectation...
Because that's when I find the joy again. In the process. In the mess and the fear of what happens next. Find spontaneous play. And I may even use lots and lots and lots of green. Oodles of it, in all different hues and shades. And NOT use it to paint a monster, but use it to paint lushness, growth and blooming. Much healthier, and much better, wouldn't you agree?
