I Never Imagined For One Minute...

I Never Imagined For One Minute...

I never imagined for one minute that I would blog, call myself a blogger, and write stuff and send it out into the world for others to read.

I never imagined that I would run creative workshops, do commissions, see my art on peoples walls, have exhibitions, and be able to have this kind of creative life. 

I never imagined that online friendships would develop into real life friendships, and that those connections would sustain, inspire and help me so much.

I never imagined for one minute that I would end up living in the country. That I would live so far away from my family and my oldest friends. And that I would grow to love the huge big skies, the change of seasons, the space, the land, the beauty of it.

I never imagined that I would be a teacher. 

I never imagined I would be a teacher, living in the country and sometimes driving 50km to get to the school I was teaching at for the day. 

I never imagined that I would find a man who would love me, with my big butt, cellulite and my lack of knees. With my crazy-arse personality, pretty average looks, and lots of issues. I never imagined that a man who did love me could be one of the most amazing humans I would ever meet. But I did. And 25 years later and we are still together. And we  love each other. And I never ever take that love for granted.

I never imagined for one minute that I would also be the mum of 3 kids, especially because for many years I had endometriosis really really really badly, had many operations, a lot of pain, lots of drugs and lots of warnings that I probably would not have kids naturally. But I did. 

I never imagined how much I would love my children, and how deep and wide, and unrelentingly fierce that love would be. How it would wash over you in great waves and make you physically ache with joy, pride, and amazement. That your fear of them being hurt, and being in pain or suffering and not being okay is unthinkably terrifying.

I never imagined for a minute that parenting would also be so very hard. That there would be times I thought I could just not go on and that I could be so bad at it. That it could hurt so much. That it would be so very very exhausting. That so much of the time I would just have no idea what we were doing and wish I had not lost the manual. Surely there was a manual that came with them?

I never ever imagined (and my husband too actually) that one day I would not be as scared of technology as I once was, barely able to use a microwave, and in denial about computers generally. That I would gradually overcome those fears and even contemplate learning about SEO and platforms and such like!

I never imagined that I would still be learning so much. 

I never imagined that I would get to 45 and still not know so much, and still feel lost a lot of the time. That I would not have it figured out, and still unsure of so many things. I never thought that the more I knew, the more I would realise I knew not much at all.

But I also never imagined how many amazing places I would go,the places I would visit, that I would get to see the brilliant things I have seen, that I would see so much beauty and wonder in all the little things and the grand things. 

And I definitely never really imagined how lucky I would be... to be 45 and still loving to imagine.