None Of Your Business! ...well actually, It is My Business

None Of Your Business! ...

well actually, It is My Business

I sit down. I look at my computer screen. And I gather my thoughts. Why am I here again? 

That's right, I have work to do. And I look at the LIST OF THINGS TO DO that I have by my side. And it occurs to me that this is all a bit strange. That my to do list looks suspiciously like someone who has a plan. Batshit crazy!

What me, working to a plan? Huh? 

The day I got my ABN I felt a bit special. I know, I know I know, it is nothing really, but it really was to me. From a family of wage earners, this whole having a business thing was a bit new. There was no-one around me to ask about it all. True, my father-in-law ran a successful business for a long time, but truthfully, this was before the Internet, before social media, before the world of business looks like it does today. So I could ask him questions, but I think he may be even more bamboozled than me. Probably not even understood my questions! 

So I have a ABN, a business. And a few years later and the thing is, I still feel like a bit of an imposter. Calling myself a business woman feels so strange, and really uncomfortable. I know I need to own it, and am getting there. It's just not something I imagined I would ever say. Even saying I am an artist sounds a bit wanky really. So I just say I am a creative, because it covers a lot of bases. 

But I struggle... because the whole spending time doing business stuff is outside my 'zone of genius'...so outside of it! And Marketing! Sheesh!

Then there is this struggle - the one where I have spent hours at the computer emailing and doing other business things, and I have nothing to 'show' for it, and somehow it feels like I have not really achieved much. Now I know that many millions of people work in offices all day typing and sending emails and that is what they do all day...but for me this is a totally new thing. 

When I paint I at least have something to show for it...something evidentiary that says... THIS IS WHAT I ACHIEVED TODAY.

Casting that aside, there are so many facets about business to learn... That is something I have learnt about! So many aspects to running a business. I never knew. 

It really is frightening. Confronting. Terrifying. And every time I think I nudge forwards, I seem to find myself in new territory and feeling bewildered again. Hang on, I think it is called LEARNING.

Recently I went to a business conferencey thing, and I pepped myself up with memes and go get-em tiger messages from friends and family. I arrived, took my place, and sat there, surrounded by other business peeps, wondering what on earth I was doing there. But I loved the keynote speaker, James O'Laughlin. What he said made lots of sense. It really did. I felt okay. 

James O'Laughlin, keynote speaker

Then others got up and talked about business grants and all sorts of stuff... what they said, it made my head hurt. Talking about things for small business owners. That is, as they defined it, businesses that earn only about $2 million per year. My rose coloured glasses totally cracked. Holy Shit.

Rose coloured glass...

FAR OUT!!! I got imposter syndrome BADLY after that. I felt sick in the stomach with the feeling that someone would turn and point at me - "what are YOU doing here you dopey dufus?"

Men in business suits and ties, corporate looking women, and me in my Doc Martens and funny doodles all over my page. I wanted to run away. I felt completely overwhelmed and out of my depth. Then we broke up to go to forums, and I went to one about social media and marketing. 

And in that room with the overhead projector, the swirly carpet and plastic chairs, something happened. All those peeps in business suits and sensible shoes, sat there asking questions about things that I just knew about intrinsically. They were asking about blogs, and Instagram, and networking, and online presence. They were scratching their heads. And I actually knew what was going on.

A little smile in my heart happened. I sighed a sigh of relief. I did know something after all. I redeemed myself a bit. And at the end of it I got a show bag full of stuff too. So not a complete waste of time.

So I guess I will keep doing what I do... asking lots of questions from people I trust and admire, saying yes to lots of things(even when I am scared to), seeking out people and places that can assist me, trusting that the universe will get me somewhere, even if the road is windy along the way, staying passionate and reminding myself this is for the long haul. 

A long and winding road...

Reminding myself that failure is not an option. Remembering that I am learning all the time, slowly adding to my skill set, slowly building my story, slowly and organically achieving. Writing down my goals and my dreams, ticking off the to do lists, and believing that I deserve to have success.

So instead of thinking that it is none of my business to be there with the suits and the sensible shoes, believing that my success, my business, my dreams, my path... is just as valid as theirs.

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